Realization

"It was Him…yes surely him…. I wasn’t ready to face him after so many years. Well I am overreacting. Things would have changed, time changes and fades everything." He was my first love. We used to hang around a lot and everyone knew about my feelings for him and also that he does not share the same feelings. He had eyes for someone else and that was the reason of our separation.

He noticed me and his expression changed. He almost ran towards me. All the 20 years of separation vanished, my fear and apprehensions everything vanished. I don’t know how time flew, we stood there for hours, chatting. He told me that he was there was a week on some official task. And I was to leave the next day after a two-day conference. We decided to meet for dinner. I was alone so I did not mind. He must have convinced his colleagues. Well everyone has old friends so it did not feel awkward.

I kept of thinking about him. Him- the person who had turned my life upside down. He had made my world beautiful before we just decided to separate. I remembered even after we did not hang around, he kept an eye on me. He insisted that we sit together... In class, in canteen. I had obliged some but denied some. His girl obviously wouldn't have like that but deep inside I felt good

And the first kiss. That magical moment. My first one.

We were on this trip and I had felt tired and I decided to rest and I saw him coming after me. He did not want me to be alone-that is what he told me. But his intentions were clear. I did not mind because I was madly in love. But I stopped it from going any further. I remember feeling miserable for kissing a boy who is in love with someone else but what had happened, had happened could not be undone. So, I decided to keep my distance.

So back to present - We met in the evening. We had this long chat and long walk. We both were tired and so we decided to have our dinner in our room.  He ordered, I freshened up and went to his room. We had our dinner,  but just after dinner I started feeling a little uneasy. He made me sit down on his sofa. My head was spinning and I could not think clearly as to what was happening but suddenly I realized  his hands were going everywhere. Oh No I had got this wrong, did I give him a wrong message,  did I do anything that looked inviting? I wanted to get up and go but just couldn’t. I moved his hand away. And I gathered all my courage and got up. I told him that I wanted to leave. He insisted that he accompanies  me to my room which I had to agree to. I did not have the choice. I was getting worse by every moment. I just could not think clearly everything was a haze. We reached my room.

He made me to lie down but was I imagining that he returned back to lie next to me. Was this my imagination or was it actually happening. I felt his lips on mine and everywhere, followed by undressing. I was trying hard to resist but I seemed to get numb. I just could not move my limbs. I felt him over me and in me. He was very gentle like you are to your partner. I felt everything and nothing. And then…

I woke up with a heavy head, I looked at me clothes and everything, nothing seemed amiss. Was last might my imagination. I hoped and prayed it was.

My intercom rang, it was him. He was talking,  and I just heard breakfast. I mumbled a yes. I quickly got up, bathed. I examined my body for something-anything that would indicate about last night...but nothing.

I joined him for breakfast. He was with his colleagues, he came and joined me. I searched for his expression, his mannerism anything, any change, any indication but nothing...

I had to leave for my conference. He asked me about my flight.

I attended my conference... I was there physically but mentally the last night never really left me.

I came back to the hotel, collected my luggage. He was there, outside my room waiting. All along the drive to airport, He was talking and I was thinking. I was sure by now that it was sheer imagination.

Then he dropped my and when he said his bye, his expression, Yes, I remember this look. It was the same look when he had dropped me off to station after the kiss episode. Yes, so I wasn’t wrong about it.

That day too, he had wanted this but could not and now yes it be my imagination. He had done it. But now what could I do. File a charge? I was to leave. I watched him from the airport.

And now I knew…I just knew